Bliss

I have stumbled across an untapped reservoir of beauty. I am now DVR-ing The West Wing, which until recently I didn't realize airs each morning on Bravo.

Good. Old. Days.

Live Blogging the Third (and Last!) Presidential Debate.

CNN has once again collected a group of "undecided" voters in Columbus, OH and we get to see how they react in real time to the candidates' answers during the debate. I'm sorry, but these people suck. What else do the "undecided" want to hear at this point? We are three weeks away! Should Obama do some sort of hula dance? Should McCain name each of the jowels he has accumulated over the past couple of years? Seriously, what else do you want?

Oooh this is the one about "domestic issues." Like that will stop them from totally not answering the questions. Bob Schieffer looks spiffy. And totally botoxy. John McCain is unnaturally smily. It's weird.

Americans are hurting. Blah blah blah. Bob: Would you like to ask him a question? John: Uh, no. HA! Aww, Joe the Plumber was trying to realize the American dream. Poor Joe. Oh wait a minute! JOE HAS A SIXPACK! Joe will be fine! Jesus. Christ.

John McCain says "We have to stop sending $700 billion a year to countries that don't like us very much." !!!! REALLY? Um, like the one we've been in for five and a half fucking years? Hmph.

I don't like this hatchet versus scalpal metaphor. It's like a very boring horror movie.

Ooooooh. NASTY CAMPAIGNING question. Are you FUCKING kidding me? He should have done more town hall meetings with me? Why, because the last one went so brilliantly for you? Ok, John Lewis hurt your feelings. What about your silence when people at your rallies scream "Kill him!" Ass. OMG you HAVEN'T repudiated anything! And if you are right now you are barely doing so! I'm gonna have a heart attack.

Running mates question! Oh Barack, don't slip and and actually say what a fucking idiot she is out loud. Core values, good good. Aww, she's a reformer. Well, a reform guard maybe. Sweat out the old boy crony network? You mean, you? Special needs families? That makes her qualified to be president?

What's with the smirking, John? You look constipated. And the morris code blinking is really starting to freak me out.

Foreign oil question. This is when I get sleepy. "Mortgaging our children's future" is a catchy phrase, but it makes me picture my non-existent kids as little bankers in suits. Which I do not like. Maybe that's the point.

You wanna make an issue of how Senator Obama has never traveled south of our border? Um, your running mate didn't have a passport until six months ago.

For fuck's sake. Can you explain what some of these "preconditions" are that you mention oh so slyly?

Health care question. Break my heart, Barack. Break my heart. Preventative care! YES. I remember when I was 12 in social studies class, and I raised my hand and said, "Why doesn't the country ever do things that prevent the problems we have and the ones we can see coming?" I swear. I was 12 and I understood the importance of preventative care.

My old buddy. Joe the plumber. Six pack Joe. He's gonna fine you, Joe! Be afraid, Joe! Be very afraid! Actually, Joe, he's not gonna fine you. ZERO. I, Barack, exempt small businesses from having to pay. Large businesses, if you don't pay? You're fucked. Oh, now Joe is rich! Congratulations! Now you have to pay a fine!

Joe, I hate you. Go jump off a cliff and stop dominating this debate.

Roe v. Wade! Supreme Court! Ugh, litmus test. I'm a federalist. State's rights. Blah blah blahzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Wait a minute. How could Senator Obama have voted against Justice Breyer? He was appointed to the Court in like 1981 or something. Obama was where? Just graduated from law school? I'm confused.

Rightly decided. Moral issue. Good people can disagree. Women are in the best place to make decision. Right to privacy not subject to state referendum. Good answer.

Pro-abortion movement? Not pro-choice? Ahh, words. You wily rascals. Health of the mother is not a valid thing? Huh? Oh, you're an adoptive parent? Where is your Bangladeshi daughter? Why don't we ever see her? Because someone might yell "Kill her!" Better keep he her hidden, then. Don't wanna piss off Joe the Plumber.

Barack Obama was a constitutional law professor at the University of Chicago. I think he knows the ins and outs of what it "allows" and what is allows us to do.

Education! FINALLY. Parents are important. Choice among schools. Find bad teachers another line of work? Huh? Maybe we shouldn't hire bad teachers in the first place. OMG do NOT talk to me about student loans. They make me cry. Every day.

Haha. Multiple people on Facebook now have status phrases regarding Joe the Plumber. Myself included.

Ok. John. Let me tell you something. Down syndrome is NOT the same as autism. It's just not. Sarah Palin does not know anything about autism from personal experience. Get it straight. It's embarrassing.

Ahhh, closing statements. MY FRIENDS! God, how I've missed the MY FRIENDS. Except, not really. Stump stump stump. Taxes healthcare education stop the spending children's futures trust us or not safe secure prosperous reform record service country first long line of McCains (so fucking what) honored and humbled.

Tough times last eight years crisis risk same failed policies same failed politics fundemental change decency generosity american people brighter days tax cuts healthcare college young people energy economy lift wages grow middle class democrats republicans independents come together honor work every day for you and your children.

THE END! Go vote now! It will make you feel big and strong!

And in today's installment of "I am a huge dork":

This just got my heart thumping.

So the bar exam is next week, huh?

I thought it was this week, and then when my office started scheduling interviews for a new attorney (yay for underlings!) for Tues, Wed, and Thurs, I piped up with "Um, people are taking the bar exam this week!" and was then informed that the bar exam is in fact next week and I am clearly an idiot.

An idiot who passed two bar exams, though. And believe me, if I could do it, so can you!

Picture it. Third weekend of July 2006. I had to get out of my apartment in Boston (and my two crazy bar studying roommates), so I drove to my parents' house a couple of hours away. Where I proceeded to alternate between studying, screening frantic phone calls (whatever you do, do NOT compare your last minute study habits to others or you will drive yourself crazy) and eating whatever wholesome goodness my mother cooked for me.

Saturday afternoon, I fell asleep in the backyard while going over some outline or another for the thousandth time. And I got a sunburn. Yes, I was tanning. Hey, two birds, one stone. But I didn't mean to fall asleep. No one came to check on me for hours because they thought I was studying and didn't want to be bothered. Yeah. I'm pretty sure they just couldn't stand being around me by that point, for which I can't blame them.

Nearly thirty-six hours and a bottle of aloe vera later, I drove back to Boston in order to get on Amtrak on Monday and head to NYC for the first two days of the exam. Somewhere on the MA Turnpike, there he was. The police officer whom I will love forever.

Here's the thing. I um, didn't realize the officer was pulling me over. For, oh, a good three to four minutes. Going nearly 85 in a 65 zone. There were flashing lights. Don't ask me why or how I didn't realize I was being pulled over. I just didn't. My thoughts, inexcusably, were elsewhere. Eventually I realized what was happening, nearly peed in my pants, and pulled over immediately.

When he walked up to my window, I could tell he was expecting a confrontation. Instead of giving him one, I immediately burst into tears and began apologizing profusely. In between my sniffles and pleas regarding how I was broke, so so broke, and could he make it a small ticket, and his "Ma'am, it's ok, calm down", I must have gotten to him. He pointed at the Barbri books scattered on the back seat, and asked when the exam was. "Two days," I replied.

I didn't get a ticket. He told me to slow down and take it easy, wished me luck on the exam, and proceeded to get into his cruiser and take off....into my heart forever.

Moral of the story? If, between now and the start of your bar exam, you find yourself in a situation totally of your own making, and you would never otherwise stoop to such a level, I give you permission to MILK IT FOR ALL IT'S WORTH.

The end.

P.S. The Dark Knight? Effing awesome. Witnessing an assault at a NYC multiplex because some "fucking ho!" (his words, not mine) wouldn't get in the back of the line? Priceless.

P.P.S. This? Double effing awesome!

Cringe

In honor of our nation's independence, I slept in:) Training-wise, Friday is a rest day. Which are "just as important as hard and easy days." So I'm taking full advantage. I may venture out to a bookstore later before trekking across town to join a million people to watch the fireworks (weather permitting), but mostly I will be napping and watching bad TV.

Speaking of which, has anyone ever watched that 4th hour of the Today Show? With Hoda Kotbe and, ahem, Kathie Lee Gifford? It doesn't just make you roll your eyes. It's more like wincing. No one ever said Kathie Lee was brilliant, but um, did anyone ever notice she's a kind of a racist idiot in that ever-annoying innocent kind of way? There's not only this, but also this morning's god-awful imitation of her Chinese driver's accent and how they have scintillating conversations because he barely speaks a word of English. Hey Kathie Lee, I'm pretty sure he's faking it. If I had to drive your sorry ass around town, I would pretend I didn't speak English either.

On that note, happy 4th everyone!

Welcome to The OC, Bitch.

My sister, in what may be her most awesome act of sisterly love to date (kidding), bought me this, supposedly because she never bought me a birthday present back in February and needed to finish using an Amazon gift card that she had for a while.

It's fucking awesome. All 92 episodes. Remastered. Commentaries. Retrospectives. Deleted scenes. Music compilations. Totally cheesy and awesome packaging.

This definitely beats the motion I won today on the excitement scale.

Also, unrelated, this makes me sad. And mad. And, fuck, really mad.

What also makes me mad? The fact that a bug just landed in my glass of wine. Serves me right for trying to save money on my Con Ed bill by opening the window and giving the A/C a break.

Really, VH1? Really?

I freely admit that I have spent, well, more than one weekend afternoon over the past few years watching VH1's "I love the 80s", "I love the 80s 3D!!!", and "I love the 90s." (I skipped "I love the 70s" because, um, I wasn't born yet.) They are fantastic time suckers. Current bar studiers, take note.

I thought we were done for a while. At least until 2010, when there would be another 10 year block to deal with. But no, as I realized tonight while channel surfing, the bright minded execs over at VH1 have apparently decided that we couldn't wait that long, and so they have given us..."I love the New Millennium." 2000-2007.

Am I watching it? Duh.

LOST

I...um...wow.

I need to watch it again.

I may have to do work tomorrow.

But I don't have to go to work tomorrow. And that makes all the difference.*

I've been a bad blogger this week. Family drama is uninteresting to anyone else, and nothing else has really held my attention lately. I almost went to see Indiana Jones today and would post a (probably tepid) review, but both the 7 and 8 pm shows were sold out and we didn't feel like waiting or seeing anything else. So we went to the nearest bar and flirted with sailors instead. Quite unfortunately, there was no dancing to Al Green. Honestly, I don't think these boys (and I do mean boys) would know who Al Green is.

Sigh.

Update: 12:35 am. Why am I unable to turn off The Silence of the Lambs on TNT and go to bed? Fuck. OOH! Catherine Martin, a/k/a the Senator's daughter who gets kidnapped by Buffalo Bill a/k/a Brooke Smith, is Dr. Erica Hahn on Grey's! Talk about learning something new every day. I want to join the FBI. Will they pay back my loans?




*In all honesty, Memorial Day is the one "yay it's a Monday holiday" for which I actually try to think of the purpose and meaning behind the day off. We all should. But I'm still glad I don't have to dress up and go to the office.

In like a lion.

I'm picking a jury on Wednesday.

I don't know how to pick a jury, but apparently I'll learn all about it tomorrow.

I have a pit in my stomach that is growing bigger by the minute.

But there's nothing I can do about it right now, so I'm going to have a glass of wine and watch Oprah's "The Big Give".

The title of this post has no relevance. I just can't believe it's March already.

UPDATE:

Yeah, that lasted all of ten cringe-inducing minutes. Wedding Crashers is on TBS. I feel better already.

My birthday is next week. I think I'm turning 80.

I'm pretty sure it's not normal that my leg feels better when running than when walking or going down steps. Apparently I'm potassium and calcium deficient. But I kind of hate bananas (it's not that I hate them - they just have to be eaten at the perfect time - over or under ripe bananas are gross) and don't drink milk outside of cereal. Spinach has calcium, right? Why isn't that enough?

On another note, I dvr old episodes of ER that are on TNT in the mornings. I erase most of them, but do watch the classic ones. Like the one that was on today, when Dr. Greene goes to Hawaii with Rachel and dies and it's quite possibly the saddest thing I've ever seen ever and it was such a momentous event that NBC allowed Anthony Edwards to say the word "shit" on network television.

This was a very boring post. Then again, I am almost 80 years old.

LOST

Enough said.



On a totally unrelated note, which deserves its own post which may or may not happen, I realized today that I'm officially estranged from my father. I don't know how to feel about this.

I've never called in sick, so I shouldn't do it as an excuse, right?

Today is reallllly gonna suck. I'll report back later with results.
---------------------------------------------

Update: 9:10 p.m.

So it wasn't as bad as I expected because my case got adjourned, although I did get hung up on by an irate witness and, completely unexpected, realized that I have lost my watch. Which I loved. Which I purchased in Greece during my post bar exam vacay a while back. The clasp had some issues, and I never got it fixed, so I guess it's my fault. Bummer.

Also, while The Sarah Connor Chronicles is ridiculous in an awesomely absorbing and bring-me-back-to-1992 way, Cashmere Mafia is by all means ridiculous in a roll your eyes so far back you might swallow them way. However, so as not to fully judge without all of the facts and circumstances (a good motto in general, no?) maybe I should give it a few more episodes to make sure...

How am I supposed to make fun of the dresses?!

God, this is embarrassing. Why am I even watching this "news conference" announcing the Golden Globe winners?

(Sidenote: I finally saw Juno yesterday and YAY! Go see it right now.)

I can't even tell you all how sick of the fucking writer's strike I am. I don't care how it ends or who "wins". Just get back to work. Now. Or I swear, after the eighth episode of Lost airs and there's no more, Hollywood may be bombed by pissed off former fans.

In other news, I billed about 6 hours today and managed to take Chloe on a longer than usual walk in Riverside Park, where she basically ignored other dogs in the dog run and people probably thought I raised a snobby dog.

And now I'm drinking a glass of Pinot and contemplating how much I hate that Larry King is announcing the winners on CNN's airing of the "press conference." I hope one of his suspenders snaps and whips him in the eye. Or knocks out a tooth so he can't talk.

Another reason to love NYC: my neighborhood wine store delivers.

After a very long day, do I want to watch the New Hampshire primary returns or the season premiere of One Tree Hill?

I think we all know the answer.

Brain Dump

I'm not gonna pretend that I understand why Iowa is so damn important. I'll just say this: it shouldn't be. There are 49 other states. Although I will admit that I don't think some of those other states should count as much as they do. I know we had this collective discussion 8 years ago, but the electoral college is still fucking retarded.

I was trapped on the subway this morning with what I SWEAR was a dead body. Or if not, the worst smelling two sleeping homeless men I've ever come across. And unfortunately you still come across a lot of them in this city. It was so bad they pretty much had their own car because no one wanted to be that close. Someone complained to the conductor, who basically snapped at the person with "Well lady where do you expect them to go when it's 14 degrees outside?" Ok, fine. But it was not pretty. Or fresh.

I didn't stay up for the return of Leno or Letterman last night (although I will for Jon Stewart because AHHHHHH), but the clips I watched today made it seem like they were...not really worth watching anyway.

God I hate Wolf Blitzer. If CNN has this much of a hard on for the Iowa Caucuses, I think my TV may explode on the actual election night.

A Life Mantra

"As long as everything is exactly the way I want it I'm totally flexible."

- Lorelai Gilmore. Season 2, Episode 13.

The patented ABC crack machine of emotional manipulation is older than I thought.

I've been netflixing Once and Again. I occasionally watched it when it was on TV those many years ago (1999?!) but now I find it disturbingly and extremely relevant to my life. Parents get divorced in your formative teenage years, you're forced to realize they have needs and faults outside of your own existence, and you twist and mold yourself into the glue holding each raw edge together.

Hey, it's more enjoyable and cheaper than therapy.

I suddenly don't feel as strapped.

Well, I'm still in a shitload of debt. But I'm not stupid.*

My tivo-ing of Oprah has been established.

Today's show was about personal finances and the idiots who are digging themselves into poverty. $135,000 in credit card debt. Two mortgages of $700,000. Stay at home mom who spends $4000 on a birthday party but doesn't have health insurance for her kids. $900 shoes. $400 a month on Starbucks. Yep. All on your husband's middle to upper middle class salary. Not a millionaire's salary by any means. And your "my mother never believed in me, and I've never felt any self worth and wah wah wah"...give me a fucking break, lady. Your $60/week hair extensions are ugly and sure as hell aren't giving you any self-worth either.

Financial Guru Suze Orman: "I've been doing this for a long time, and I've never seen a family in such a terrible financial situation." Yikes.

Then there's the couple expecting a baby who aren't answering the phones when their student loan providers are calling but who are paying $2600 per month on two luxury cars, but, ha, "not to impress anybody." Fuck. You don't deserve a child. (Sidebar: I have ALWAYS wondered why you need a license to do almost everything in this world except be a parent. Don't give me the "it's a natural human right" stuff. Intellectually, I know that. Morally, I want to sterilize a lot of people. Maybe the "intellectually" and "morally" should be switched. I don't know.)

Did anyone else know that Washington state has no income tax?! I've always wanted to visit Seattle. Now I may have to move there.

*I'd like to thank my parents for instilling within me a life-long stinginess.

TV Review Time

I had a craptastic day at work (sidebar: clients who expect you to win motions should send you the signed affidavits you need to serve the motion on time, right? God.), but instead of whining (at least more than I just did), I present a review of the season's new shows:

1. Pushing Daisies: Adorable, whimsical, original, and colorful. I just don't know how long they can keep the "I want to touch you but I can't" thing going.

2. Big Shots: So, so bad. Bad writing, bad stories, not funny. But. The Pretty. Michael Vartan is pretty pretty pretty. I love the pretty, and will watch him read a phone book.

3. Journeyman: Meh.

4: Gossip Girls: Probably the worst thing for the youth of America ever. I love it.

5. Bionic Woman: Now, I'm dark and broody too, so I should like it. Secret government agencies. Girl kicking ass. I love Alias (the pretty!), but this lacks heart so far. We shall see.

6. Dirty Sexy Money: Definitely lives up to two of those three words. The middle one, not so much.

7. Private Practice: Maybe I'll catch it online. Probably not though. Because it's the suck.

And now for our returning favorites:

1. Grey's Anatomy: Does anyone else miss snide asskicking Callie? I hate whiny Callie.

2. Heroes: Where's Kristen Bell?!

3. Ugly Betty: I'm not sure why I watch this.

4. ER: Yes, I realize I'm the only person on earth who still watches ER. You know why? Because it's still excellent.

5. Brothers and Sisters: ABC should patent its wondrous ability to emotionally manipulate/abuse its viewers.

And now, once more with feeling:

The best show you're not watching.