CNN has once again collected a group of "undecided" voters in Columbus, OH and we get to see how they react in real time to the candidates' answers during the debate. I'm sorry, but these people suck. What else do the "undecided" want to hear at this point? We are three weeks away! Should Obama do some sort of hula dance? Should McCain name each of the jowels he has accumulated over the past couple of years? Seriously, what else do you want?
Oooh this is the one about "domestic issues." Like that will stop them from totally not answering the questions. Bob Schieffer looks spiffy. And totally botoxy. John McCain is unnaturally smily. It's weird.
Americans are hurting. Blah blah blah. Bob: Would you like to ask him a question? John: Uh, no. HA! Aww, Joe the Plumber was trying to realize the American dream. Poor Joe. Oh wait a minute! JOE HAS A SIXPACK! Joe will be fine! Jesus. Christ.
John McCain says "We have to stop sending $700 billion a year to countries that don't like us very much." !!!! REALLY? Um, like the one we've been in for five and a half fucking years? Hmph.
I don't like this hatchet versus scalpal metaphor. It's like a very boring horror movie.
Ooooooh. NASTY CAMPAIGNING question. Are you FUCKING kidding me? He should have done more town hall meetings with me? Why, because the last one went so brilliantly for you? Ok, John Lewis hurt your feelings. What about your silence when people at your rallies scream "Kill him!" Ass. OMG you HAVEN'T repudiated anything! And if you are right now you are barely doing so! I'm gonna have a heart attack.
Running mates question! Oh Barack, don't slip and and actually say what a fucking idiot she is out loud. Core values, good good. Aww, she's a reformer. Well, a reform guard maybe. Sweat out the old boy crony network? You mean, you? Special needs families? That makes her qualified to be president?
What's with the smirking, John? You look constipated. And the morris code blinking is really starting to freak me out.
Foreign oil question. This is when I get sleepy. "Mortgaging our children's future" is a catchy phrase, but it makes me picture my non-existent kids as little bankers in suits. Which I do not like. Maybe that's the point.
You wanna make an issue of how Senator Obama has never traveled south of our border? Um, your running mate didn't have a passport until six months ago.
For fuck's sake. Can you explain what some of these "preconditions" are that you mention oh so slyly?
Health care question. Break my heart, Barack. Break my heart. Preventative care! YES. I remember when I was 12 in social studies class, and I raised my hand and said, "Why doesn't the country ever do things that prevent the problems we have and the ones we can see coming?" I swear. I was 12 and I understood the importance of preventative care.
My old buddy. Joe the plumber. Six pack Joe. He's gonna fine you, Joe! Be afraid, Joe! Be very afraid! Actually, Joe, he's not gonna fine you. ZERO. I, Barack, exempt small businesses from having to pay. Large businesses, if you don't pay? You're fucked. Oh, now Joe is rich! Congratulations! Now you have to pay a fine!
Joe, I hate you. Go jump off a cliff and stop dominating this debate.
Roe v. Wade! Supreme Court! Ugh, litmus test. I'm a federalist. State's rights. Blah blah blahzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Wait a minute. How could Senator Obama have voted against Justice Breyer? He was appointed to the Court in like 1981 or something. Obama was where? Just graduated from law school? I'm confused.
Rightly decided. Moral issue. Good people can disagree. Women are in the best place to make decision. Right to privacy not subject to state referendum. Good answer.
Pro-abortion movement? Not pro-choice? Ahh, words. You wily rascals. Health of the mother is not a valid thing? Huh? Oh, you're an adoptive parent? Where is your Bangladeshi daughter? Why don't we ever see her? Because someone might yell "Kill her!" Better keep he her hidden, then. Don't wanna piss off Joe the Plumber.
Barack Obama was a constitutional law professor at the University of Chicago. I think he knows the ins and outs of what it "allows" and what is allows us to do.
Education! FINALLY. Parents are important. Choice among schools. Find bad teachers another line of work? Huh? Maybe we shouldn't hire bad teachers in the first place. OMG do NOT talk to me about student loans. They make me cry. Every day.
Haha. Multiple people on Facebook now have status phrases regarding Joe the Plumber. Myself included.
Ok. John. Let me tell you something. Down syndrome is NOT the same as autism. It's just not. Sarah Palin does not know anything about autism from personal experience. Get it straight. It's embarrassing.
Ahhh, closing statements. MY FRIENDS! God, how I've missed the MY FRIENDS. Except, not really. Stump stump stump. Taxes healthcare education stop the spending children's futures trust us or not safe secure prosperous reform record service country first long line of McCains (so fucking what) honored and humbled.
Tough times last eight years crisis risk same failed policies same failed politics fundemental change decency generosity american people brighter days tax cuts healthcare college young people energy economy lift wages grow middle class democrats republicans independents come together honor work every day for you and your children.
THE END! Go vote now! It will make you feel big and strong!
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