Stolen Lines

You really don't know what I'm talking about, do you?

It was that hazy, dark, half-asleep yet wide awake period of the night. The hum of the air conditioner almost drowned out the sounds of the late night revelers outside. His arm rested on my hip and I could tell he was almost asleep by the way he was breathing. But he didn't fall asleep. Because I couldn't.

"What's the matter?"

"Mmm? Nothing. Not tired I guess."

You really don't know what I'm talking about, do you?

Fingers moved lightly across skin. How could I be so comfortable and so uncomfortable at the same time?

I sat up, twisting my mess of my hair into a knot on the top of my head.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah." I moved closer.

If I ever wanted to get some sleep, I had to say something.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"Without freaking you out?"

There was a twitch. I think.

"Ok."

"I just...I need to know that we're on the same wavelength here. We haven't...talked about things really, at all, and I just...need to know how you feel. About...me. How things are going."

Pause. Too long for me. My head buried in between his arm and a pillow.

"I...well, I mean, it's kind of a hard question." WHY? "I really like spending time with you...I wish I could spend more time with you."

You like spending time with me? That's it? My head was swimming. What was I hoping for exactly? I'm crazy about you and can't get enough of you? Did I get the watered down lukewarm version of what I wanted?

I was quiet. So he prompted.

"How do you feel about it?"

Me, meekly: "The same."

"Ok. How does that make you feel?"

I didn't know what to say. Why would I start this conversation if I didn't know what to say? So I said something.

"Um. Maybe a little scared?"

"Why do you feel scared?"

I knew, but I couldn't say it. I couldn't say because it's a risk and I can't get invested more than I already am if I don't know that you're invested too.

So I lied. "Maybe scared is the wrong word." But it was the right word. So I rephrased. "I guess I don't want to get hurt?"

"Well, I don't think that's going to happen."

I was quiet. He had enveloped me with his arms.

He continued. "But somehow I don't think you believe me."

I want to. Really I do. I started the conversation. but I couldn't finish it.

You really don't know what I'm talking about, do you?

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Line stolen from Kavita Daswani. Courtesy of Grace and Colby in the City.