It got me thinking about how one obsession or goal gets turned into another, and another, and another, and then, at some point, there is nothing left to do but wait for the other shoe to drop. I've been in school for the past two decades. I have an ivy league degree, a JD, I passed two bar exams on the first try, I've run a half marathon, I have friends and a loving family, and yet somehow, I feel like a failure because I don't yet have the perfect job at the age of 25. There is something wrong with that mentality. But every time I get another set-back in the job arena, I feel the exact same way I felt ten years ago when some nutritionist or sports psychologist wanted me to eat some peanut butter and told me to "be patient with myself".
I can't sleep. It's really no wonder though since I browse the same innane news/gossip/entertainment/legal websites and blogs each and every day while watching the same stupid television shows. I don't know what to do. I'm dreading the big family Thanksgiving get-together (not to mention the 10 hour drive to Columbus with my parents who are too cheap to fly but I guess I shouldn't say that since they are currently and graciously supporting my unemployed ass) where my god-awful aunts and uncles will repeatedly ask me what I've been up to and what I'm doing to find a job and that I should do this and that and talk to so and so and who and who and I have a lot of loans to pay back right? and JUST STOP TALKING LEAVE ME ALONE I ALREADY KNOW ALL OF THIS IT'S ALL I THINK ABOUT YOU IDIOTS.
So. In sum, I'm upset, agitated, lonely, scared (terrified), and depressed. Finding out I passed the NY bar exam made all of this worse for some reason. I felt a big sense of relief, but not really any happiness, although I was happy when I found out I passed MA, but I guess just because they released earlier.
Elijah Wood is on Conan right now, and he looks way more hobbit-like now than he did in the movies.
I'm gonna have a nightcap. And, if that doesn't work, some Tylenol PM. Just kidding, no suicide attempts. I've worked too hard for that.
3 comments:
I have one especially horrid aunt who really has no tact. she would ask all the worst questions, like, "so, sweetie, how much money are you going to have to repay to your parents when you finally do find a job?" with a sickly sweet grin on her face. she was the same aunt who asked me at my high school graduation party (which several friends had attended), "do you have any friends, honey?"
good luck with thanksgiving.
I totally understand how you're feeling. I'm fighting the unemployed blues right now myself. Every inquiry, even the well-intentioned ones, gets me going down a negative spiral of depression and self-recriminations... but I remain hopeful that things willl turn around soon.
Good luck on the trip. You have more courage than I to sit in a car with your parents for that long.
Crap. You mean these feelings don't go away?
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