Depression is Exhausting.

I'm tired. I slept until 11am, at which point I forced myself out of bed, feeling groggy and drugged. After a massive amount of coffee and some oatmeal, I went out for a run in the perfect cold sunny weather. Saturdays used to be my long run. This long run used to average about 7 miles, and was more when I was training for the half marathon. Today, I slowly jogged about 4 miles before I felt like I would collapse. I haven't hit 6 miles on a Saturday in about a month.

I also have a slight cold, which of course could add to the tiredness. But it's more than that. I've been interviewing for a job for a full fucking year. The physical, psychological, and emotional toll has been...there are no words. I know I sound like a big fat complainer, and I have food and shelter and a lot of people have it way worse off, but creeping up on 26 living in your parents' tiny house doing less than nothing day in and day out with almost $150,000 in loans weighing you down is sustainable for only so long. And I think I'm nearing the breaking point. I started cursing at the crappy Christmas music on the radio today.

Last year around this time, I had an executive interview with my dream employer, which passed on me the first time around, and is still dicking me around saying they will be hiring more people in the next couple of months. The interview I had this past week, which I still maintain is the best interview I've ever had, got me so excited just thinking about the idea of being hired that I've done a complete 180 in my head. If I don't get the job (which is statistically likely), the future disappointment I will feel is already seeping its way into my bones.

I miss my friends. I was never a huge going out on the town person, but I miss just sitting in a bar or restaurant talking about nothing and everything. I miss deadlines, and pressure, and watching TV not because it's there but because I know I should be doing something else. I can't believe I'm saying it, especially after the Bar Study Hell that was the summer of 2006, but I miss The Law.

Reading back over this I pretty much sound like a whiny brat. Maybe I am. But that's ok. There's a reason I started blogging when I felt like even the people who haven't forgotten about me didn't want to listen to this kind of blather.

That above sentence is a grammatical disaster. Oh well. This ain't no writing sample.

God, what I would give to be paid to stress over legal writing again.