Go home.

Listen up, Manhattan tourists. It's time to leave. I know you contribute millions of dollars to the city's economy, but if you don't stop pissing off the people who live here, we're gonna organize some kind of revolt. This week alone, you subjected me to the following displays of stupidity:

1. Walking down the street side by side is usually ok. But when there are 7 of you moving at the speed of molasses and you're all taking pictures (of really ugly window displays, by the way. wtf?) it's very hard for the rest of us to get by you without getting hit by a cab.

2. I realize the subway is confusing. I got lost on the F train the other day myself because I thought I'd try a different route back to the office from the courthouse in Queens. But holding the door open for whole minutes while one of you attempts to read the great big map on the platform is unacceptable. There are also maps inside the train cars! Or you could just ask someone! We won't bite. Well, most of us. Just let the train get on its way.

3. This is still America. If you don't speak English, don't start screaming at the poor tired waiter who doesn't understand what the fuck you're trying to order. Point to something on the menu, or to a plate at another damn table if you must, and be happy with it. (Was that ethnocentric and/or racist? Sorry. No wait. I'm not.)

4. Don't. Steal. Other. People's. Cabs. Ever.

5. Finally, contrary to popular belief, the giant construction site that used to be the World Trade Center is not, I repeat, not supposed to be a tourist attraction. It may have turned into one, because of natural curiosity and interest, but it still deserves some measure of respect. Therefore, it's not an appropriate spot to pose for pictures WITH YOUR ENTIRE POSSE GIVING A BUNCH OF "HANG TEN" THUMB/PINKY GESTURES TO THE CAMERA. Again, wtf.

In sum, spend your money, take your buggy rides in Central Park, and then do us all a favor and get the hell out.