Live Blogging the Oscars

I'm not gonna lie. A few people were supposed to come over and watch with me, and for various reasons they're not coming. (Fine, one of them had to go to the ER with another friend. I GUESS that's a good excuse.) But I have a lot of wine and a lot of bitterness over reading deposition transcripts all day, so you all are going to be the ones I take it out on. Ready set go.

Barbara Walter's Special: I now realize that Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus are one and the same. My life is complete.

8:32 pm:

Jon looks yummy. George Clooney's girlfriend is... kind of ugly. At least weird looking. Am I alone in this thought? Ooh, lawyer joke! Jennifer Garner! I love you. Be my friend. Even though your hair is confusing me right now.

8:47:

80 years of Oscar. With ET music! And...Celine Dion. Ann Hathaway is taller than Steve Carell. Hee. Katherine Heigl has so much old school glam I can't stand it. Amy Adams is absolutely adorable. As was Enchanted.

9:10:

The Rock is an Oscar presenter? Um, really? Is The Golden Compass one of those Christian allegory stories? Am I thinking of Narnia? I hated those books. Whatever. Cate Blanchette, you're very pretty, but you look like you have a snake around your neck. Should I add Sweeney Todd to the "saved" section of my Netflix queue?

Oooh the first acting award and we need...a clip show introduction? Fine. Oh my god LETS GET ON WITH IT. HAHAHA Cuba Gooding Junior! How are those Hanes underwear commercials coming? Oh, Jennifer Hudson. That dress...

Javier Bardem is...sexy. I should see that movie. Although I hope he's not sexy as a killer. Aw, his mama! Love it.

9:24:

Aww, Hi Felicity. Keri Russell is pretty. Owen Wilson! Hey buddy! You look good. Hope you're feeling good. And the winner for Best Supporting Actress is...Alan Arkin? No. Tilda Swinton? Really? It was a nice performance, but I call bullshit. Amy Ryan all the way.

9:44:

"The always fabulous Jessica Alba." Hee. Who thinks that pregnancy was planned? Raise your hand. No one? Best screenplay: Not Atonement not Atonement not Atonement not Atonement not Atonement...and the winner is... phew, not Atonement.

When is the In Memoriam tribute? I LOVE that part. I know, morbid much? Heath is gonna be at the end, right?

John Travolta is a member of the actors' branch of the Academy? Hmm. Is Tom Cruise a member too? Is L. Ron Hubbard telling them how to vote?

Wow, Kristin Chenowith should go back to Broadway. Aaron Sorkin is at home crying right now.

10:01:

I think winners for Sound Editing should sound better in their acceptance speech.

Oooh Best Actress! Marion Cotillard is very pretty too. I don't really care about seeing that movie though. Although I'm sure it's better than that dreck she did with Russell Crowe a couple years ago. I want Juno to win something.

10:20:

Once. That's a sweet song. Ugh. Jack. 80 years of Best Picture. Someone I know who does magazine retouching said Renee Zellweger is the one who needs the most touchups. Aww. Nicole Kidman is regal. I don't care what you say. Someone needs to tell this honorary Oscar winner (I forgot his name already) that he doesn't need to wear the scarf indoors.

During commercials I'm switching to ABC Family to watch The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. The sequel arrives this summer. Don't tell me you're not excited.

10:41:

I wonder what Penelope Cruz thinks of Tom now? I'm guessing something along the lines of "thank god I got out alive."

Patrick Dempsey! Hey Derek! How's Meredith? When are you guys coming back with new episodes? Aw Enchanted has to win for one of the songs. Alan Menkin wrote Aladdin's songs, which I think might have been the first soundtrack I bought at 11 years old.

Ladies and gentlemen, John Travolta. Stop dancing. That gravy train has passed. Ok...no Enchanted songs. Once. HAHAHA I love Jon Stewart.

10:56:

Aww, she got a chance to come back out and give a speech! Yay. Hillary Swank is pretty. OOH IN MEMORIAM TIME. And Heath as that angsty cowboy dude brings up the rear. No pun intended. Fuck it's 11 pm and I feel like some of the big awards are still to come.

11:08:

Best original score...ok Atonement sucked donkey balls, but the score was very good. Probably the only reason I felt something throughout the film. I give it my vote. Yay I won! Oh Tom Hanks, you two time Oscar winner. Your hairline is receding big time. Hello Soldiers stuck in Baghdad! Vote for Obama and come home soon!

11:24:

Harrison Ford mmmmmm. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY JUNO!! Diablo Cody is a former stripper! Yay strippers! Yay Ellen Page! Yay Jason Reitman! And I want to thank my family for loving me exactly the way I am! Holla!

Wow. Helen Mirren is beautiful. Daniel Day Lewis seems like such a nice man when he's being himself, but the rumors that he never comes out of character when he's doing a film is...weird. Cameron Diaz said she never knew him as anything but Bill the Butcher when they were filming Gangs of New York. I can't decide if that's just plain strange, or conceited, or both. I'm not an actor, so I'm gonna say both.

11:40:

Another montage? THIS IS WHY IT'S SO LONG and we're all gonna be tired tomorrow at work.

Do you think Martin Scorcese's optometrist ever suggested he get contacts? I bet Marty shot him.

Can the Coen brothers do anything without each other? Come on guys, even Mary Kate and Ashley have made the break.

It's difficult to say this, but Denzel isn't really rocking the shaved head look. A symmetrical face doesn't make up for a large head. Ok ok ok.

Best Picture: The Coen brothers again. And they'll be snarky and not have anything to say again. A complete surprise? Shut up and don't be fake-shocked. Yes, I'm gonna see your movie now.

Fuck I have to work like 8 million hours tomorrow. Kill me.