I've clearly lost my mind.

I signed up for the ING Hartford Marathon. Saturday October 11, 2008. My only goal, other than to simply finish, is to beat Katie Holmes' time. I've been in a rut lately - mentally, physically, and emotionally. While this will be 90% physical, the other two will definitely come into play. So that's what's happening. It will be a long sweaty summer.

I really need to stop reading Nicholas Sparks books.

Why? Well, because I'm running out of tissues, and I'm starting to think I should move to a small town in North Carolina or some such place.

You know what's kind of awesome?

A glass of wine after an evening workout before eating dinner goes down like it's really two glasses of wine.

Ok, I realize this sounds totally weird and slightly alcoholic and unhealthy, but I swear I drank a lot of water too and whipped up a fabulous tofu and veggie stirfry.

10 ways to rock a weekend wedding.

1. Buy a new camera to replace the one that was stolen.

2. Curse JetBlue and their never-working Direct TV.

3. Spend an hour in line to pick up the rental car even though the website said your online reservation guaranteed quicker service.

4. Watch your friend (not the bride) make out with some random guy in the bar during the bachelorette party.

5. Take another friend to the emergency room at 2am after he jumps from one hotel bed to the other and doesn't notice the low-hanging beam between said beds on which he slices open the top of his head.

6. Flirt with hot Texan ER doctor.

7. Get tan lines which look totally strange with your strapless dress worn to the wedding.

8. Cry when they say "I do."

9. Take 150 pictures with your new camera.

10. Sit near Stephen Baldwin on your flight back to NY. (Guys, he is totally weird looking. Billy definitely got the hot genes in that family.)

Dear law school,

I've dealt with your annoying letters asking me for donations for the past couple of years. I simply throw them away. But tonight you crossed the line. When you call me on my cell phone at 8:45 pm and ask me for money when I'm standing in line at Whole Foods, and at first I politely decline to which you proceed to badger me about how "even five dollars can help", I will in fact lose my shit and become extremely irate about the fact that I will be paying back my overpriced tuition for basically the rest of my life and therefore you can go shove your donations up your smarmy asses.

So, in conclusion, while I'm happy to participate in surveys, alumni functions, etc., please do not call me again asking for money.

Sincerely,

[redacted]

Ha.

Hahahahahahahaha.

Sorry, dude. What goes around comes around.

Why I'm a bad blogger.

1. I'm boring.

2. I work too much.

3. Happy hours.

4. When I get home it's all I can do to watch an hour of TV and fall asleep.

5. My brain is too full to be witty.

6. I was assigned another trial, which puts everything else on the back burner.

7. Dick Cheney. Whatever, he deserves blame in general.

8. I've been trying to "put myself out there" with little to no results. (Although I now realize I haven't posted about the crazy lawyer who hit on me in court and emailed me the same day asking 20 questions...that post will come.)

9. I'm boring. I know I already said that, but it bears repeating.

Nine reasons. I can't even come up with something to make it an even 10. I suck.

Nectar of the gods.

I've had a sore throat for a week. I thought it was a cold, but now I'm thinking it's spring allergies. Not that it feels like spring - it's damp and dreary here.

However, the only thing that makes my throat feel better is Haagen-Dazs fat free mango sorbet. The fact that I've eaten two pints of it in one week is surely not good on the sugar scale, but when you have difficulty swallowing much else it's probably ok. Hey, it's what I tell myself.

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Postscript: If you missed Tom Brokaw's special, King, on the History channel tonight, try to catch a repeat airing. It was excellent.

Best Saturday afternoon ever?

I know all you other Type A people probably had your taxes done by February 2nd. And I bet you all got refunds too. Well you can all go to hell. I owe the federal government $168. Before the student loan interest reductions, Turbotax told me I owed over $600. At that point I took a shot of the raspberry vodka tucked away in my freezer. But then I got to the deductions section and the number went down. So I suppose I should be thankful my loan providers are basically enslaving me. Thanks, fuckers.

Oh, but I do get a refund in NY state taxes. How much, you ask?

$2.

I am so fucking rich.

I just have one question.

Why, in the name of all that is pure and holy on this earth, do men insist on grunting while lifting weights?

Huuuuuuuhnnnnn!!!

Errrrrrrrrrrrgh!!

Seriously, it's not attractive. I don't care how much you're lifting. Oh, you went to X University too? Great. Well, your receding hair line tells me that you probably weren't in my graduating class. (Tangent - I signed up for my five year reunion today. Wine tour included. It will be slightly ridiculous.)

Anyway, guys at the gym - calm down, take a breath. Don't give yourself a hernia. That's not attractive either.

Figures.

Arguing a motion when you have no voice and are blowing snot everywhere? This is gonna be fun.